Happy Fourth!!

SM and I rushed out of the house this morning in hopes to catch a glimpse of her neices in a local parade. Guess it wasn’t much of a parade cause by the time we got there(20 mins late) it was over. Then we drove around looking for them before they drove off so SM could take some pictures but didn’t find them. I couldn’t stand SM’s crabbiness because she didn’t drink any coffee and I went to Starbucks and got her some and then she even can’t drink it because it’s too hot. Great.

The neighbors are actually gone! Since we live on a lake we could have the beach all to ourselves. But SM thinks it’s too cold. I don’t want to go down there alone because I’m severely co-dependent and can’t do anything by myself anymore. I am crabby today. There is nothing to do, we don’t have any friends. SM doesn’t feel like doing anything. So I got crabby enough to go outside and cut up a bunch of long branches with a chainsaw and then chop the smaller pieces up with an ax for the fireplace this winter. They have only been sitting around for two months now. The local garden store always puts out old pallets with a “free wood” sign by them. I took one and some other strange tripod looking things so I would have something to put the wood on. I have it sitting next to the shed and made some braces out of the tripod things so the wood will stay without falling off either side. I’m proud of my dykedom today.

Remember when the fourth was exciting? You would spend your allowance on a fireworks package from the local grocery store or Ben Franklin. You couldn’t wait to light of your snakes during the day and watch the black little circles grow into a giant swirl and then watch ash float down the street. Except there weren’t fancy grill lighters like there are now and you would have to use matches or your dad’s zippo and you’d always end up burning the hell out of your fingers. You couldn’t wait until it got dark for your sparklers and volcano cone that whistled and changed color half way through the 10 second display. Awesome! The days before would be spent playing with snaps and party poppers which you thought were so lame, but they always came with your fireworks package.You had to save the good stuff for the fourth. One time I put a bunch of snaps behind my mom’s tire and when she backed out of the garage she thought she had blown a tire. I was laughing so hard and my mom was pissed. I got grounded, but it was worth it. I thought I was cool cause I could pop the snaps in between my fingers. Yea, I was hot even then.

I used to hate everything patriotic. I don’t really know why. Maybe because I thought America was so anti-gay and that to me was anti-American. Who knows. I’ve been angry at the wrong people for along time. For all those who serve our country, thank you. I know most of those who go into the armed forces go because they want a good job and money for college and good benefits. Not because they want to kill people and find ways to make more enemies and weapons. Thank you to those who are fighting and ensuring our safety. This day is for you.

Take my breath away

Have I ever mentioned that I have seasonal allergies? Yes, from spring to fall. My only break is winter when I’ll end up with the flu instead. I ended up getting a job at school and the first day I’m going to meet everyone I work with I wake up with an itchy, swollen, watery, glassy, bloodshot eye. Nice huh?

This isn’t actually that bad. It’s usually worse but somehow I managed to stop myself from rubbing and scratching my eyes before it got REALLY bad. After having a conversation with my Aunt about allergies I have surrendered to the world of over the counter drugs and bought some Zyrtec-D. We are going to the land of Lincoln (Illinois) for Sugarmomma’s family reunion. This is truly a rural small town community where everyone knows each other and you’re either a farmer or you work in one of the businesses in town. My allergies are always out of control when we go there. Sneezing with no exaggeration 50 times in a row, or last year for no reason at all my eye wouldn’t stop itching and was so bloodshot it looked like it was bleeding and was swollen to half it’s size. Of course there are all the other discomforts of allergies that worsen when visiting there like the stuffy nose, watery eyes, itchy throat, itchy nose. So in an attempt to not be completely miserable there I decided to try the Zyrtec. I have to say that so far it’s amazing. I thought I’d try a couple days off since I’m going to be on it for 24 hours a day for several days starting tomorrow. I hope it works this good when we are in allergyville tomorrow. I usually go the all natural route which works fairly good, until I get to the real country side. I can tell a big difference not taking the Zyrtec.

I decided to tackle the basement today for two reasons. One is I can’t find some recipes of my mom’s that I want to use and thought they might be down there. Two, since we had an obscene amount of rain and our basement had some flooding issues and I saw mold down there I wanted to finish mopping the basement with bleach water to make sure it gets stopped before a major outbreak happens and the house in condemned. After moving some boxes around and transferring some of the contents into a plastic bin I found an antique camera from Sugarmomma’s grandpa completely covered in mold. The box stunk like mold, mildew, mustiness. That makes me so crabby and sad to see that covered in black furry mold. It was a really cool camera that still worked and still had film and now it might be ruined. After being down there for 15-20 minutes I could feel the dampness getting to me. The stuffiness set in and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe down there. How scary that it can have an affect so quickly. I bleached the floors and walls as well as the wood on the staircase and got the hell outta there as quickly as I could.

Horrible

I swore I wasn’t going to be one of those horrible bloggers who updated a mere few times a year and I’m afraid I’m turning into that blogger already. I am going to really try to get all my thoughts out there for all zero readers to read instead of just thinking them over in my head and never posting them.

So much to catch up on. Sugarmomma turned 30! Had a big party and had father in law and step mom were in town and staying with us. I’m exhausted. The week leading up the the party both of us of course get sick. I also have horrible allergies from spring through fall. So not being able to breath and wanting to rip my eyes out of me face scratch them with sandpaper and scour them with scalding water while sneezing so hard I pee and have snot dripping down my face is not the most productive way to get ready for a party. It was a lot of work but I think it turned out pretty good for my first “real” party.

Our new neighbors coincidentally had a party the same day. The last girl in the group was turning “21″. Most normal people go OUT TO THE BARS when they turn 21, but not our neighbors. No, instead they have a party at home and terrorize us until the wee hours of the morning with stink and loudness. There were cars everywhere, people everywhere, loudness everywhere, the stench of beer mixed with cigarette smoke was everywhere. It was a long night. Sugarmomma found this in our mailbox two days later.
We don’t think Alisha works. We think only one of the four people next door work, Marissa works while her two roommates and boyfriend hang out with the dog and play video games all day. Alisha can be seen sitting in her car and talking on her cell phone while smoking cigarettes for hours every. I think she is in there smoking pot cause she doesn’t seem the quickest when you talk to her and we have overheard (we think it was her) saying that she is Sssooo high.

Denika called me today to try and set up a payment plan for my “deliquintile” credit card. I was confused and not understanding her mumbles asked her to repeat what she had stated and I also asked what credit card this was for. She said let me just get some information to verify I’m talking to the right person. Did you live on County line or is it country lane? I was like no, never, I never lived there. She asked me again if I lived in Roger, Wisconsin on county road? I said NO I never lived there. What credit card is this for? She asked if I was Common first name, Common last name with the middle initial of “S”? I said no I was Common first name, Common last name with the middle initial “R”. She said oh ok and hung up on me. What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? Is this some kind of a scam or should I be worried that people are trying to steal my identity, or am I going to have to deal with this bullshit because my common name gets on some sort of “list”?  Then you call my house about 68 times within 3 weeks and when I finally answer and deal with your WRONG information you don’t even apologize AND hang up on ME! I should be the one doing the hanging up bitch.

And lastly, school is over. I worked my ass off and got a fucking B+ in English. That pisses me off so much. I am probably one of the smartest and more talented writers in the class and I got a fuckingB+. My hard work paid off for the rest of my classes with A’s. For the first time in my life I got an A in MATH. My professor told me I should consider going into mathematics, that I really have a good understanding of how things work not just what I’m supposed to do on the surface of things. That was a huge shock but also really nice to hear. I never got enouragement growing up nor did I get compliments much so it’s hard to accept it as much as I crave that kind of feedback.

I really liked my communications professor and I’m sad she doesn’t teach any other classes. She was nice enough to write a letter of recommendation for me for a scholarship I applied for and ended up getting. I wanted to say how much I enjoyed her two classes and was going to miss her but there were a bunch of students around us who were all rushing about and I was rushing and I had to get studying for another exam. I hate feeling like there is unfinished business.

Last week I FINALLY picked all my classes for the fall semester. I am going to take a psychology class which I’m really looking forward to. However, I am scared because I got a job in the student services office and I’m worried about not having as much time to work on school. I really don’t want to have my grades affected, but I also can’t keep being jobless forever. I start working in July so I only have a few days of freedom left. We are going to travel next week for Sugarmomma’s family reunion and then will have a few days before I start working. I am going to their office retreat this friday. I’ll have to explain the whole situation afterwards in a new post, but I’m really dreading it. Help.

I think I’m beginning to unravel

Oh my god I can’t take it.  I am a raging weeping mess. I haven’t had any drugs in almost a week and in the past week I have started crying at the drop of a hat and have had three major rage episodes. One where I screamed FUCK at the top of my lungs while whipping stools and chairs around the kitchen. All because I couldn’t reach the spaghetti container. Not really, there was more to it but for some reason that spaghetti container put me over the edge.

I started crying while talking to my massage friend about my dysfunctional family and drunk Aunt. I hardly ever cry in front of people. It was a rage fest complaining about my aunt who’s turned into an alcoholic who I can’t even hold a conversation with anymore and not wanting to be the mediator of the family like my mom was and my dysfunctional brother who can’t manage money therefore WE, I mean My brother and I no longer get a share of my grandmothers estate(not like there is much but it was supposed to go to us because my mom is dead and we would get her share, but she lives in assisted living at $5,000 a month and I’m sure there will be nothing left anyways) and because my aunt likes me better and because I call and stop in by grandma every now and then and because I took care of my mom while she was dying I am getting most of her assets when she dies and my brother will get a little something. Which is all a big secret that I have to keep from my brother!

To top it all off I’m having one of those bleeding like a mo fo with lots of clots, bleeding through your tampon in an hour, blood all the way up your ass and leaking all over your sheets in the middle of the night periods and am completely exhausted between the bleeding and no drugs.

I just can’t take it anymore! I feel like I’m schizophrenic and Bi-polar at the same time! After napping for 2 1/2 hours I attempted to do my math homework which is through an on-line program (but I still have regular classes that I go to at school) but there is a quiz due today. I have until midnight to finish it. I burst into tears because I don’t get it. I keep re-reading the instructions and then start crying harder because I STILL don’t fucking get it. Then I go tell SM and I cry to her and then burst out laughing because it’s so ridiculous that I’m crying over MATH. SM tried like 6 times to pass math when she was in school so she understands what I’m feeling so I am laughing and crying on her at the same time while she is laughing at my emotional breakdown over the remainder theorem.

Can someone please explain this to me? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polynomial_remainder_theorem

This is actually better than the explanation my math program has and I might be better off studying wiki. Anyway, I’m still crying about it.

Blizzard of 2008

Yesterday the whole state was canceled due to weather. Most of the state was hit with a nasty snow storm that produced up to 20 inches of snow. That’s right 20. We only got about 16-18 inches. I thought it was going to continue snowing throughout the night and the today but it didn’t.

At 10pm last night I realized that I had to go to class the next morning and that I hadn’t read the chapter and taken notes for our quiz. I stayed up to almost 1am preparing all my notes.

The best part of wakin’ up,it was not like that here. I was woken up in the morning to the sounds of sugarmomma shoveling outside the bedroom window, little nieces yelling and laughing, toothbrushes that sing songs, cords being hit against the wall in a fury to get ready on time and have your hair straightened, nieces that want to show you their rash but you can’t understand what they are saying because they are missing all four front teeth, and best of all: the sound of sugarmomma’s coat zipper slapping into the sides of the dryer over and over because she can’t stand wearing a damp coat and has to dry it immediately after shoveling. 

19 Days

Until I turn THIRTY! I am horrified that I am turning 30. I don’t feel like I’ve lived that long. I remember being a kid and feeling like I would NEVER be that old. I will no longer be in my twenties. I will no longer be in my late twenties. I will be in my thirties.  Thirty years old, going to school full time, not working. Sugarmomma is taking me to see Loretta Lynn for my birthday. Actually Sugarmomma’s dad and his wife are taking all of us. He retired this year and moved to Illinois to his family’s homestead about 300 miles from us. They are going to travel up here and  we are all going to see Loretta Lynn. She happened to be in the area in concert on the night of my birthday. I can’t think of a finer way to spend my birthday than to listen to Lorreti croon.

P.S. I officially haven’t smoked in two years. I still can’t believe it. Thanks Sugarmomma. If it wasn’t for you threatening me with divorce I’d probably be smoking again. Love you.

Hypocratic Oath

Should I feel bad that I haven’t worked since the end of June and yet I am enjoying the day we set aside for the working class? Does this day even make any sense? I feel like a Hypocrite that I’m taking advantage of the day that is reserved as a special vacation day for those people who work so hard. Their one last day to enjoy the summer, one extra chance to go swimming, grill out, take the kids someplace special, go fishing, go “up north”, or go camping. So to escape the feelings of non-worthiness we are going to clean and go cut the grass at sugarmomma’s momma’s house. That will definitely make up for it!

Sugarmomma’s momma has dementia. Although she can still live by herself and is aware of her surroundings and capable of doing moderate activities. She can’t drive, cut the lawn, cook very well, organize and take her pills properly. So we are there several times a week helping out. You shouldn’t be 29 and having to take care of a parent already.

Happy not working day!

Last Tango in Paris

Labor day weekend is here and instead of going “up north” like the rest of Wisconsin SugarMomma*  and I decided to stay home and not spend money on the road trip. We are going to try and enjoy the last bit of nice weather in WI before fall comes, which will probably be in two weeks.

I am trying to process my feelings before starting school in a couple of days. Scared, nervous, excited, motivated, and completely freaked out. As the deadline approaches I am having all those negative thoughts that always pop up at the last minute. What the fuck am I thinking that I can go to school, am I really smart enough to do this, am I going to fail all these classes, I’m going to be even more poor than I already am. So going to try and exhaust those feelings as I cram as much family and fun as I can into the last days of summer.

*My girlfriend of 7 years, who has been the main bread winner since October.