I think I’m beginning to unravel

Oh my god I can’t take it.  I am a raging weeping mess. I haven’t had any drugs in almost a week and in the past week I have started crying at the drop of a hat and have had three major rage episodes. One where I screamed FUCK at the top of my lungs while whipping stools and chairs around the kitchen. All because I couldn’t reach the spaghetti container. Not really, there was more to it but for some reason that spaghetti container put me over the edge.

I started crying while talking to my massage friend about my dysfunctional family and drunk Aunt. I hardly ever cry in front of people. It was a rage fest complaining about my aunt who’s turned into an alcoholic who I can’t even hold a conversation with anymore and not wanting to be the mediator of the family like my mom was and my dysfunctional brother who can’t manage money therefore WE, I mean My brother and I no longer get a share of my grandmothers estate(not like there is much but it was supposed to go to us because my mom is dead and we would get her share, but she lives in assisted living at $5,000 a month and I’m sure there will be nothing left anyways) and because my aunt likes me better and because I call and stop in by grandma every now and then and because I took care of my mom while she was dying I am getting most of her assets when she dies and my brother will get a little something. Which is all a big secret that I have to keep from my brother!

To top it all off I’m having one of those bleeding like a mo fo with lots of clots, bleeding through your tampon in an hour, blood all the way up your ass and leaking all over your sheets in the middle of the night periods and am completely exhausted between the bleeding and no drugs.

I just can’t take it anymore! I feel like I’m schizophrenic and Bi-polar at the same time! After napping for 2 1/2 hours I attempted to do my math homework which is through an on-line program (but I still have regular classes that I go to at school) but there is a quiz due today. I have until midnight to finish it. I burst into tears because I don’t get it. I keep re-reading the instructions and then start crying harder because I STILL don’t fucking get it. Then I go tell SM and I cry to her and then burst out laughing because it’s so ridiculous that I’m crying over MATH. SM tried like 6 times to pass math when she was in school so she understands what I’m feeling so I am laughing and crying on her at the same time while she is laughing at my emotional breakdown over the remainder theorem.

Can someone please explain this to me? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polynomial_remainder_theorem

This is actually better than the explanation my math program has and I might be better off studying wiki. Anyway, I’m still crying about it.

So much for Spring Break

Well there are two days left of Spring break. I am not counting Sunday cause it’s Easter, then Monday is back to school. How lame is that? I hate having spring break BEFORE Easter.  Things I planned on doing but didn’t accomplish: read book for sociology that I have to do book report on, catch up on 3 chapters of reading for sociology, get math homework done, do lots of research for the big English research project, read chapter for communications class, get paper work in order to apply for a scholarship.

Things I did accomplish: Sleep for 13 1/2 hours, picked up nails left by asshole roofers at Sugarmomma’s moms house, moved SM’s sis and kids away from asshole ex husband, went to another niece’s b- day party, went to asshole cousins confirmation, had friends over for lunch to visit which required 2 days of cleaning, had delicious fajitas that I have been craving for months, got taxes done(and by got taxes done I mean someone came to the house and did them for us) and we are actually getting a REFUND instead of having to PAY.

Today I reflect on the week’s accomplishments as well as the week’s failures. While feeling so overwhelmed and disappointed I’ll most likely get stressed out and try and cram all things I wanted to get done into these last two days completely ruining any relaxing effect that spring break might have had. Which has almost all been ruined anyways because today being the day after the first official day of spring we are having a snow storm. Yep a 6-10 inch, heavy, wet, windy, drifty, “don’t leave your house unless you have to” kind of snowstorm. Yesterday I was picking up nails left by the roofer at SM’s mom’s house and it was in the 40’s and sunny, I was outside in just a t-shirt. I grilled steak for fajitas and it was a pleasant, but cool evening. By 10pm last night it was freezing and windy.

 This morning I woke up to this sight:

Thirty

As of 7:11am I am THIRTY!

Enough Said.

Happy Hollow een

My favorite holiday and I am stuck at school for 12 f-ing hours. I hate that. I can’t  believe how fast time goes by and how many posts I have written in my head but never factualized. That’s my new word Factualized. It’s mid term already. I am very proud that I am getting 3 A’s and a B. Nobody else cares, except sugarmomma.

 HOPEFULLY more is to come very soon. I am trying to catch up on reading and get all m tests studied for.

Happy Haunting tonight.

53

It seems as though fall is approaching in Wisconsin. It’s gotten down to 53 degrees and there aren’t going to be many more nice days left. The Maple trees are starting to turn, the days are shorter and cooler, and the HALLOWEEN decorations are out!!! I love halloween! It’s my favorite holiday! I don’t know what it is that fascinates me, the decorations, pumkin carving, getting free candy, maybe it’s the dressing up. There’s something about the freedom to be as gross, politically incorrect, or imaginative as you want to be and it’s accepted. Not only accepted, celebrated. It’s the only time a man can dress in drag and it’s ok. It’s the only time a woman can pretend to be a man and it’s ok.

 Although I am sad that summer is over already. We can’t go to the lake and lay in the sun. The freedom of shorts may only be felt a couple more times before the sweatshirts and jeans hold us captive until May. There is something so exciting about the seasons changing. I do love all the seasons and it was hard living in Virginia where they didn’t have the extreme changes that are felt here. The air has this crispness to it and it smells different. I rememeber when I used to smoke how different a cigarette would taste in the first cool air of Autumn. The sky looks different, the sunsets and sunrises look different, some birds come and some birds go. It’s magical.

I must spend some time thinking of what the perfect costume will be this year. Now that I have my very own halloween cat maybe I can think of something to incorporate her with my costume. Happy weekend!

Shut the FUCK up

I have survived my first week of school! I have to say that my schedule is fairly easy except for Wednesdays. Wednesdays are from 10am to 10pm. I have handled it better than I thought I would. Although I am scared about all the reading that I have to do. I am not a good reader, I usually have to re-read things cause I realize I can’t rememeber what I just read. Since I am somewhat retarded and I don’t understand how to read a syllabus I accidentally did two days worth of math homework so at least I don’t have that this weekend, and I read a chapter more than was necessary in my communications book and didn’t study for a quiz. I still did well on the quiz though.

It was suggested by several parties that I stay at school after and between classes to do my homework and reading. There are places to go that offer quiet environments with no distractions. This is an excellant idea that I have been trying to stick to as much as I can. At school there is a commons area with tables and chairs, a cafeteria area, study center, Campus connection, and of course the library where you can go to do your work etc.  The commons area is by the  front entrance, usually not too many people are there and it’s fairly quiet. Yesterday and today I just about choked the living shit out of a bunch of headbangers and loser frat-esque type guys that were ROCKIN OUT in the arcade. Yes, the arcade is located adjacent to the commons. Granted it’s pretty cool to have an arcade and I plan on shooting the crap out of some sniper bad guys and then racing some morotcycles but who the hell decided to put that right by the commons? So after listening to headbangers ball on full blast and the frat-esque boys screaming about some martial arts game I moved to the campus connection. Which is a sad excuse for a room. It’s basically two tables a bulletin board and a bunch of pamphlets and free magazines like Rent monthly or auto connection and a few copies of the Onion that are about 6 weeks old. Just as I settled in there a couple of elderly sorority girls set up camp for CRU “Christ thru University”. After trying to ignore their snickering and Ya’s from the girllsssss, I packed up and headed to the study center. So finally some peace and quiet where I can concentrate. For about 4 minutes until Sparky starts talking to students and chit chatting with anything that will give her the slightest notion of interest. Sparky is basically my age. A few years past the college age but she thinks she can be cool with everyone cause she’s still young. Then Sparky(who I call this because she sparks up a conversation with everyone she can including the troll janitor) starts talking to Marge. Marge is by far the sorriest excuse for a lesbian I have ever seen. It’s almost as if she is straight and pretending to be gay. She has the classic short semi spikey hair with the Lisa Loeb glasses and somewhat masculine walk and a voice that could shred wood. Marge talks so loud it echoes. ECHOES! I move to the other side of the study lab thinking somehow I can escape her voice and the loudest bag of chips ever that she decided to start eating from bouncing off every table, partition, computer, door, and please keep noise to a minimum, no eating, no cell phones sign. Where Bob is in his office coughing like he’s is about to die and trying to talk to someone on the phone about how his mother died and he left that account open to take care of any bills after her death and now it’s not inactive. So I packed up my bag and left hoping that I could get some work done even with all the distractions at home.